Why I haven't done the DVD review I planned

Two weeks ago I ordered a package from a popular online retailer worth sixty quid and ended up never receiving it. I checked to see if it was at the local depot, asked my neighbours if they'd taken it in, had no luck, chalked it up as 'one of those things' and felt I had no choice but to order the same thing again, after sending the company (let's call them 'Large South American Rainforest') an email on the off-chance that they'd offer a refund. Today I read the response I got, which was quite friendly and informative. Apparently the driver had delivered the package to my address and left it in 'the shed'.

We do not have a shed. There are, however, some sheds in the allotment on the other side of the street. Unless the Timelord himself popped over to our street, in a new biodegradable Tardis made of pine, these are the only structures resembling sheds in the nearby area. I can only conclude that the courier left my items in one of these (presumably unlocked) sheds, on land that doesn't belong to me and has nothing to do with me, without leaving a note or telling anyone.

According to Large South American Rainforest's couriers, a package is considered 'delivered' if it is either posted through the letterbox, or "left in a secure location at the delivery address provided". Now, being a law student, I have a tendency to get overly involved in trying to pin down definitions of words. This is difficult with a descriptive term like 'secure' because it is not a matter of binary, but of degree. We cannot say at what exact point 'not secure' becomes 'secure'. All we can do is rate an object's security, say, on a scale from 1 to 10, where 10 is 'in a safe, in an armoured car, guarded by Mossad', 5 is 'on my doorstep', and negative 10 is 'in an unlocked shed on an allotment belonging to someone else and OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO STUPID'.

Unless, of course, you want to argue that the courier was trying to make the package so secure, that it was kept secure even from me. Maybe the courier was so aware of this package's value, he believed even the prospective owner couldn't be trusted with it, and so hid it in a place I would never, ever find it. Maybe I am both victim and criminal, in a tangled conspiracy that goes right to the top of the establishment. Come to think of it, where was I when Kennedy got shot?

At this point, you might say "Unperky, you have been watching way too much TV. Probably something involving mysterious, complicated crimes, such as the Scandinavian cult TV hit 'The Killing'!" Well, you'd be wrong. I haven't watched The Killing. I bought it on DVD two weeks ago and some fucker hid it in a shed.