On appearing stupid on a regular basis.

"No no no", my dentist tells me. It's nine in the morning and I am barely aware of my fingers and toes. I haven't had coffee or breakfast. My head feels like an untuned radio.

He begins to explain in halted English. "This filling" - he points to the diagram he printed out for me at my visit two weeks ago - "is a filling you have. Already."

"Ah. So...I'm not getting a filling today?"

"No filling. No treatment. All is okay. Not problem. Please come back in a half-month."

But that's what you said last time. Here is a diagram of a mouth, with one tooth highlighted saying "filling". Come back in a half-month. Here I am, a half-month later, apparently making myself look like an idiot.

He says something to the receptionist in Japanese. I catch the word "hantoshi" - half a year. I realise he must have made a mistake with his English at the last appointment and told me to come back in two weeks, when he meant six months. I repeat: "Ahhhh, hantoshi! So desu ne! Okay! Arigato, gomen, arigato gozaimaaaaaasu" and hurry out of the clinic backwards, half-bowing as I go, flailing as I change from slippers to outdoor shoes. I just want to get out as soon as possible, rushing out so quickly that the receptionist has to chase me down to give me back my health insurance card. 

I'm too polite to set the dentist straight on his error. And I'm still not sure why he gave me a picture of a filling I already have. It doesn't really matter. As the foreigner, you always look like the stupid one.

***

"Ima", my hairdresser tells me, "なになになになになになに".  His face indicates that he's expecting something from me but I've no idea what. Not a clue what's supposed to happen next. He seems to be indicating that I should stand up - maybe to go over to the sinks? But he's already done the shampoo - or at least expecting me to say or do something. I'm wary of randomly choosing to say yes or no, in case it results in him giving me a massive weave like they do on America's Next Top Model. So I stand up. He looks confused, then seems to make sense of my bizarre decision.

"Ah!". His face clears. "You want bathroom." He points. I don't need to go but obviously I have to go now anyway. I'm at least grateful he gave me a way out of the situation, making me look like I'm just shy to ask about anything toilet-related rather than just clueless about how to operate as a human.

***

These two things happened in the space of two days, yesterday and the day before. It might seem like I'm sharing these stories to make fun of myself, but the truth is I'm sort of proud of them. If I were being melodramatic I'd say they're my battle scars. If there's one thing I can put on my CV after I come back from Japan, it's not language skills or teaching abilities - it's simply the ability to get used to looking stupid. It's a very underrated skill. 

See, I'm a petty person, and I don't like to appear as though I don't know what I'm doing. One of my parents' stories of my early childhood involves me furiously shouting "BY MYSELF!" as they try to help me solve a three-by-three puzzle, batting them away as I try to shove incompatible pieces together over and over again; I'm a bit better at puzzles now but emotionally I'm not sure I've moved on that much. But continually being placed in situations where you can't understand people, don't know the rules and have very little skill in communicating your problems really is one of the best things that can happen to you, and I'd highly recommend it to anyone. Your skin thickens. You brush off embarrassing moments more quickly. You start to be more open about your fallibilities. See, just now I had to Google how to spell "fallibilities" and I was perfectly comfortable telling you that. Maybe I'm just trying to put a positive spin on things, but whenever I feel my gut twist sideways during an awkward miscommunication, I like to think of it not as an embarrassment to be forgotten, but a moment of personal growth.

Tomorrow I have to go to the local government offices to fill out my tax forms. I expect I'll grow a lot.